People react in strange ways when learning that you have cancer. Some people will offer to help in any way they can, some people will pretend nothing happened, some people are really inquisitive and others are just convinced that positivity is the key to beating the disease.
There is no proof whatsoever that a positive attitude while battling Cancer is going to change you physically for the better. In fact if anyone truly believes that, it would imply that those who have passed away only have themselves to blame.
When the word "positivity" is brought up by someone in regards to my Cancer I must admit that it makes me cringe.
Sure it's nice to have a good outlook on life in general whether or not you have Cancer but some people need a serious reality check. Walking around with a cheesy smile chanting I can do it ! I can beat this! is not going to make my life better, the plastic smile machine just isn't for me.
There are days I feel like shit, I'm not being negative, I'm just being honest.
There are also people who while not battling cancer themselves feel like experts thanks to spending hours watching Oprah's TV show and have a lot of assvice to offer. It's not because one person wrote a book called "how I beat cancer by drinking my own urine" ( I made this up..) and this has been presented a number of times on a current affair show or published in the latest health nut magazines, that it is the answer to every Cancer patient out there.
I know that people mean well when they say " you just got to stay positive", it's just that it doesn't sound right. There are going to be times when I will be feeling positive, times when I will be feeling down, times when I will just want to be myself , times when I will be strong, times I will be angry, times when I'll be realistic and a time to face the truth.
Asking me to remain positive at all times is nothing short of denying me the right to express my own feelings, it's just adding to the pressure of living with Cancer.
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- Alex
- Diagnosed with Leiomyosarcoma, a rare soft tissue cancer on Friday the 28th of March 2008, this blog is about my ups and downs, some random thoughts and dealing with the many challenges ahead.
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6 comments:
Well, I read a study just this year that confirms no link between mental attitude and clinical outcome in cancer patients. Although the researchers were quoted as saying positive people "cope better" which, gosh, did someone pay you to think that up? But in terms of actual, medical outcomes, there was no difference.
So my take is you should strive to cope whatever way you can. Feeling like you "have to" stay positive seems unlikely help that.
Although I see what they mean, which is, there's no *point* being negative; it doesn't *achieve* anything - I just think they're wrong. There's a point to all parts of the spectrum, at various times along the way.
Sigh. I bet you're going to have a whole stack of posts on people's strange and/or unhelpful reactions by the time you're through this. Do keep pointing things out, though - most of us have the best intentions.
Bea
Bea,
Someone I know recently sent me a link to Dr Swami's website. Dr Swami ( not his real name )knows a way to heal everything including Cancer thanks to his positive outlook on life. Dr Swami is ready to share his knowledge with the masses and both his book and DVD's are ready to purchase at a reasonable price.
I'm sure that this person's intention are good but it is, well, kind of out of touch...
For me I'm just happy for people to offer me support, I don't want people to act a certain way just because I have Cancer. I'm still the same person as I was before.
When I was first diagnosed everyone in the family made a point to come around to visit us, It felt as if I was already in a pinebox and they were coming to give me their final blessings.
I don't mind a bit of extra attention but sometimes it can get a bit overwhelming...
It made me think about those forwards you get like the Cracked Pot or the Parable of the Three Hairs--they don't actually tell you HOW to live a better life and achieve that positive outlook. Just that you SHOULD be doing it.
I'm assuming that you will come over to the States and smack me if I start forwarding those to you even in jest?
What drives me nuts is all the people that want to assume that I am “all better now” then accuse me of being negative when I even mention the FACT that this is basically an incurable disease and I only have about a 20% chance of long term survival. Oh you are being too pessimistic, they say. I feel like I am arguing with them when I try to convince them that there really IS a difference between pessimism and realism and I am trying to be as positively realistic as the situation warrants.
If your experience is anything like mine has been, you will soon be able to identify people who you can just be yourself with and the ones that you will really prefer to give the plastic smile to. Of course, those are not the people you will want to spend a lot of time with anyway. It can be very stressful trying to comfort other people who cannot deal with your cancer. You really don’t need to be around a bunch of meme’s right now.
I am usually a pretty cheerful and positive person. That is who I choose to be, but I certainly have my dark moments too. …and when I do, I feel like I am really entitled to them! No one has the right to deny me a pity party once in a while.
There is a Quackwatch link on my resource page, Alex. A lot of people really like to prey on us in these circumstances so Quackwatch has an entire section to debunk all the snake oil cures that people will try to convince you that you REALLY need. I have found it useful, if for no other reason than to shut up some well meaning “friend” that has just the thing I need to cure my cancer. Feel free to use it if you want to. OK?
Cute hat you got there. Take care of yourself and eat fresh pineapple. It will cure whatever ails you. ROFL
Smiles, CJ
Hey Alex,
It's Mike from Cancer Support Online. Just catching up on your, blog hadn't read it for a while.
What you're saying about positivity is totally on point. A lot of people often feel pressured to stay positive and put on a happy face. They feel like they're failing people if they're not.
Just be aware of your own emotions. That's all that matters.
Mike
Thanks Mike
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