The return

A week has passed since my last post. I went back to work on Monday, it was interesting to see the varied reactions from my colleagues. While they all came up and welcomed me back politely, I feel that cancer is still a taboo subject for most. I also think that unless you have been through it yourself or know someone who has, it's perhaps difficult to know what is involved and how it can change one's life entirely.
I was absolutely exhausted by the first day and it got worse as the week progressed. It was physically tough, my body had forgotten to do simple exercise such as walking and my muscle ached after a few days. I managed to stay there until Thursday when my eyes started burning again to the point where I decided to go home.
I've lost the bottom part of my eye lashes and the top is thinning out, eye lashes help keep the dust and any kind of air pollutant out of your eyes and believe me it's quite noticeable, my eyes get irritated very easily.
I thought of wearing a patch but I can't wear a patch on both eyes !

On another subject I went to have my PICC line cleaned out today, so I thought I'd get a pic so that you can see how weird it looks...if you have a weak stomach don't look. And for those who wonder, it's not painful, in fact I forget it's even there for most of the time. Keep in mind that it is normally covered and stuck on the inside of my arm, it was just being cleaned up when this pic was taken.

Doesn't that just make you want to be able to plug your ipod or any other electric device in there, who knows maybe in the future they'll be able to insert a small battery pack under your skin and we might all be able to do just that....recharge your mobile phone, plug in your ipod, portable reading lamp etc....think of the endless possibilities ....

Plugged in

Well there goes cycle 3..... I think it's been somewhat easier than the last two cycles, probably because I know what to expect and can anticipate.
My veins having been damaged by the chemo drugs meant that after two failed attempts to find a decent one for the cannula, I agreed to have a PICC line inserted inside my arm. It was inserted under a local anesthesia and I was happily surprised that not only was this not painful but it only took about 20 minutes or so.
Yeah it's kind of weird having this bit of wire coming out of my arm, but don't worry it's all wrapped up under a gauze.
I've decided to return to work next Monday as I'm starting to feel a bit bored at home and it would be nice to slowly get back into the groove of things. I think I should be ok, I'm mostly worried about catching some bug either on public transports or at work.
I don't have much to say today as I'm still feeling somewhat tired but I thought I'd come out and say hi...

Weird science

Well I hear you say ..what happened ?! ....the short answer is I don't know any more today than I did yesterday.

I kind of imagined that it would happen just like in the movies when the oncologist tells you roughly how long you've got to go....instead I was given a lot of positivity about nothing.
First of all the guy that did the last scan didn't bother to compare them with the original scans so that was not really helpful.

My oncologist however did a rough comparison and told us that so far it looked stable. Now the size of the liver met was 12.5 cm originally and it's now 14cm but it is acceptable because apparently there is no way to measure any tumor precisely therefore you have to give every measurement a 1 to 2 cm leeway either way. On top of that they were hinting that some of the other tumors went from 2.5cm to 1cm, some just didn't show up and some appeared to be showing in new places but as they were really small it may very well be not a tumor in the first place. The oncologist also explained that it is still early. However he did say that if it's still the same at my next scan, they will definitively think about stopping the chemo.

So to make a long story short, it's roughly the same as before, I'm looking at another couple cycle of chemo before my next scan. If there is no change then, I will probably stop having it....because there is no way of knowing for sure whether the treatment is not doing me more harm than good.

I think I'm a bit disappointed at this stage, I was really hoping to know more about my cancer by now. The oncologist said that I would need to have a CT scan every three months so that we can better monitor it. Obviously when it's like that, you can't help wondering whether the chemo treatment is really doing anything, what' s to say that the results wouldn't have been the same if I had done nothing ....but I won't dwell on that.

Anyhow I'm not depressed nor am I jumping up and down with joy, for the moment it appears to be stable and that's good enough for me. The way I look at it is that I'm going to be having a whole lot of scans done and I can't let them control me, so I'm just going to enjoy the time that I have and deal with any new issue when it arises.

Ignorance is bliss

Well it has been a hell of a ride so far but doctors have been rather vague in regards to giving me a prognosis. That's mostly because they just do not know as to how long I've had those tumors and how aggressive is the cancer. Cancers are usually evaluated in stages and grades, now a stage I cancer is usually a small tumor....I'm stage IV ( that's as far as it goes ) that means that the cancer has already spread to distant places ( metastised ).
However the tumor needs to be graded and that is perhaps the most important factor as it will give you an idea as to how fast the cancer is growing.
Up till now I haven't put much thought into it but on Friday I'll be going in for a new CT scan which will give the doctors the opportunity to compare them with my previous scans and give them an idea as to the progression/regression or stagnation of the disease.
I will get that answer on Monday, I'm not going to fret for the next few days over it, I'm going to enjoy my ignorance and deal with it when I come to it.

Does my head look big in this ?

Today I wanted to thank 'Dramalish' for the beanie I received about a week ago. It's very comfortable and warm, now I have a beanie for just about every occasion. I would also like to mention , although unofficially, that a box of Jelly Belly candy was hidden inside the package...I say unofficially because officially I'm not supposed to eat candy due to my Diabetes.....
Having said that my doctor tells me that Diabetes is the least of my problems right now and not to worry too much about my sugar levels during my Chemotherapy treatment.
Now I'd like to point out that it doesn't mean that I eat really bad things....I'm still trying to be good but one could say that I have relaxed my eating habits just a tad.

This package was also open by the Australian quarantine inspection who probably have me on file by now as a beanie trafficker for all I know.... ( maybe they thought that the Jelly Belly Candy were ecstasy tablets. )

Life's like that

I've been recuperating lately spending most of my days either dozing off or doing creative things on my computer, by the way, I have a new computer as of last weekend. My other computer was 5 years old and really struggling with simple tasks, I had been talking about replacing it long before my diagnosis but always made a point that the money would be better spent on something else.
My diagnosis brought up a whole new way of looking at purchases in general, for example just before my diagnosis, I was looking at upgrading our internet speed connection meaning I'd be looking at taking on another 2 year contract whereas we have finished our previous contract and are currently free to do whatever we wish. Now with my cancer I live on a day to day basis so the idea of being stuck in a contract is a bit of a challenge as I can't help myself thinking that there is a possibility that I may not be around for that long...I'm not being negative, it's as much a possibility as the possibility of living another 30 years.

I think I'll have to wait for a prognosis of some kind before I look at 'long term' purchases. Some people may think that because you have a terminal disease it means that you should not care and spend millions but the reality is that debts would be passed on to Vee and it's the last thing she'd need.
So back to the computer, I probably wouldn't have taken the first step of ringing the store if it wasn't for Vee. She reminded me that I spend a lot of time on the computer and that it has become an essential part of what I do, besides she couldn't put up with my constant whinging and shouts of frustrations any longer and I don't blame her. On that day the store happened to have a special on and so I acquired this brand new Apple Mac 20" monitor with all the trimmings. It works wonders.

It has been really cold and crisp lately, this morning I rugged up, passersby probably thought I was on my way to conquering Mount Everest, either that or I might have been a lost ski instructor...I thought I'd walk to the shops to get some more apples and some bread. The local shops are not that far but it is a bit of a steep grade to get there. I could tell my body had forgotten how to exercise, my legs really ached going up that hill and I almost felt like I was going to have to stop but I pushed on and finally made it to the top sweating like a slave.

I got to the shops bought my apples, saw that my favourite chocolate was on special so grabbed some then went to the bakery to buy the bread. They were selling custard croissants there so I asked for one, the man serving was Vietnamese and I'm not sure that his English was all that good because I had to explain to him twice that I wanted some of the bread sliced. Anyhow when I got home, I made a cup of tea and opened the bag with the custard croissant and instead saw two plain croissants !

Now for most, it would be just a mistake, but for me it's an ongoing issue, I strongly believe that wherever I go there is a dark little cloud moving about, above my head, that follows me everywhere.

Vee can testify of this, each time I order something in a shop or at a restaurant there is a great chance that I get given or served something totally different. It's happened so many times that we just laugh about it now but it can get frustrating also at times.

Anyhow both plain croissants were nice although I really would have liked to have the custard one !

Does my head look big in this ?

Today I'd like to thank Anna for handmaking this beautiful beanie from Alpaca and Silk and sending it to me just in time for the wave of cold weather that has currently taking root around our area. I like the colour, it goes well with my eyes and it is very very soft.
I can tell it is real Alpaca because the package was opened by the formidable Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service and our sniffer dogs can detect a whole Alpaca even when hidden in small packages.

Quoting the note that was left in the package: " This mail has been opened by Australia Post for Inspection by AQIS. AQIS screening process, which uses detector dogs and X-ray machines, indicated there may have been an item of quarantine concern in your mail. No items of quarantine concern were detected.....nothing has been removed."

In other words they didn't find the Alpaca, that's because it was so well blended and camouflaged within the silk...

Chemo sabe

Well there goes Cycle 2. It has gone down a lot better than Cycle 1, no emergency hospital visits, no passing out and no throwing up.
That said nausea was still present notably during my second day but thanks to a cocktail of drugs previously given to me by the nurses, I managed to keep everything down.
My appetite is good although a bit weird, yesterday I indulged in "sour" food such as mandarins, oranges and lemon juice. Chicken is my meat of choice although tonight I shall go lamb. I tend to favour savoury dishes in the early days of my Chemo. I enjoyed my greens, my salads with balsamic dressing..
We had a beautiful day today and I thoroughly enjoyed sitting outside in the sun sipping my sugar free cordial listening to the birds chirping in the tree tops.
I've been feeling quite run down yet because I'm on the steroids it makes me restless so I can't quite stay still for too long doing the same thing.