While I was kind of dreading my last cycle this week, I was also looking forward to the end of it but it's not to be. Apparently my blood count is too low and the treatment needs to be deferred by one week. That means I'm going to feel like shit during our getaway weekend that we had planned as a celebration to the treatment's end. The nurse told me I had to ring the front desk and make an appt for next week, well I rang the front desk but the person couldn't give me an appt today because they are apparently short of staff next week and it needs to be approved by the head honcho first etc...so I need to ring up tomorrow in the morning....I'm not sure where I will be because well I'd planned with the HR dpt at my work to take the whole week off and I went to the doc today and got myself a medical certificate for the week, and knowing my work they'll probably refuse for me to return to work without having a certificate to say that I can, meaning I'm going to have to take another whole day off just so that I can get this certificate and I'm at the stage where I hardly have any sick leave left and can't really afford to be off for administrative purposes....apart from that my eyes are burning again...so yeah it's just f*cking great....
It really pisses me off, I had psyched myself for this week and now I've got to stress over reorganising everything.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
A new shade of grey
I was hoping to have some exciting news to tell but it's feels more and more like 'Groundhog day'
In brief the tumours appear stable..( meaning either the chemo has put a stop to the disease's progression or the tumours were stable long before the chemo was administered or the same results could have been achieved by simply giving me a sugar pill...)
The good news are that some of the small tumours previously caught by the CT Scan have now disappeared, the bad news are that they are a number of small tumours previously undetected that are now being picked up by the CT Scan.
Someone in the oncology department had the not so genius idea that perhaps I ought to have surgery now....someone in the surgery unit said that it was out of the question due to the fact that I have too many tumours spread out and that it would be a major surgery with perhaps no major benefits at this stage.
Anyway I'm still roughly at square one...same same ....I'll just be happy when I finish my 6th Cycle ( I'm on my 5th) , to be in charge of my own body, to start getting fit again, not to have to go to hospital every Saturday for my PICC dressing, to gain a little bit of freedom.
When I look at photos of now and then, It makes me feel like I've aged a lot in a very short time. I'm the 'uncle fester' of chemotherapy.
Posing with Meeka my sister in law's dog....I'm on the right, the one without the hair in case you were wondering....
In brief the tumours appear stable..( meaning either the chemo has put a stop to the disease's progression or the tumours were stable long before the chemo was administered or the same results could have been achieved by simply giving me a sugar pill...)
The good news are that some of the small tumours previously caught by the CT Scan have now disappeared, the bad news are that they are a number of small tumours previously undetected that are now being picked up by the CT Scan.
Someone in the oncology department had the not so genius idea that perhaps I ought to have surgery now....someone in the surgery unit said that it was out of the question due to the fact that I have too many tumours spread out and that it would be a major surgery with perhaps no major benefits at this stage.
Anyway I'm still roughly at square one...same same ....I'll just be happy when I finish my 6th Cycle ( I'm on my 5th) , to be in charge of my own body, to start getting fit again, not to have to go to hospital every Saturday for my PICC dressing, to gain a little bit of freedom.
When I look at photos of now and then, It makes me feel like I've aged a lot in a very short time. I'm the 'uncle fester' of chemotherapy.
Posing with Meeka my sister in law's dog....I'm on the right, the one without the hair in case you were wondering....
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Psycho cravings
Late last week, Vee found me in the kitchen juicing a ruby red grapefruit and asked what I was doing. I explained that I was thirsty and felt like something citrusy...nothing wrong with that you might add but for the fact that it was 2 in the morning and I was standing in my PJ's. I actually had had this dream about this beautiful cocktail I was sharing with Vee when I woke up and felt this urge to drink something as close to it as I could.
For the first few days after chemo, I get the weirdest psycho food cravings ever. No one knows what kind of food or drink I want next, not even myself. One minute I feel like one thing and the next just the thought of the exact same thing makes me want to puke.
These psychotic episodes are a side effect of Dexamethasone, a type of steroid I have to take during and three days post chemo. Aside from the food cravings it also makes you hyper meaning I find it difficult to get a good night's sleep while I'm on these. They've given me some sleeping tablets to counter this effect but the one I took last night didn't seem to work all that well.
Anyhow I crave anything fruity, but I can't drink too many processed fruit juices with the added sugar because of my diabetes.....Dexamethasone also sends your blood sugar levels sky rocketing to levels way past the safe margins....but there's nothing to combat this side effect.
I just finished drinking three glasses of Apple, Mango & Banana juice as a treat and I'm already looking forward to drinking a hot chocolate with condensed milk later on this afternoon or am I ?...Oh and I just had a kebab with chilli sauce for lunch...Psycho cravings !!
For the first few days after chemo, I get the weirdest psycho food cravings ever. No one knows what kind of food or drink I want next, not even myself. One minute I feel like one thing and the next just the thought of the exact same thing makes me want to puke.
These psychotic episodes are a side effect of Dexamethasone, a type of steroid I have to take during and three days post chemo. Aside from the food cravings it also makes you hyper meaning I find it difficult to get a good night's sleep while I'm on these. They've given me some sleeping tablets to counter this effect but the one I took last night didn't seem to work all that well.
Anyhow I crave anything fruity, but I can't drink too many processed fruit juices with the added sugar because of my diabetes.....Dexamethasone also sends your blood sugar levels sky rocketing to levels way past the safe margins....but there's nothing to combat this side effect.
I just finished drinking three glasses of Apple, Mango & Banana juice as a treat and I'm already looking forward to drinking a hot chocolate with condensed milk later on this afternoon or am I ?...Oh and I just had a kebab with chilli sauce for lunch...Psycho cravings !!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Photophobia
It's been tough. Cycle 3 and my return to work didn't really work out as easy as planned. As my blood platelets went down mid week post chemo, my eyes started to burn constently, I started suffering from photophobia so couldn't stay in front of any computer for very long. After two attempts at returning to work I couldn't take it any longer so I was forced to spend whatever time was left before the start of my next cycle at home. I've just finished cycle 4 and I'm really over all those side effects, I'm sick of having to ingest so many tablets at different times, the constant feeling of nausea or feeling totally out of it thanks to some potent drug. I also wonder what if anything are the effects of this treatment is having on my cancer, there is after all nothing proven....and one has to wonder if instead of chemo I might as well been sucking on a lollypop with the same results without the side effects.
Most of the time you live like nothing has changed but every now and again you have to pinch yourself to remind yourself that you have cancer and live on borrowed time. it just gets frustrating, for the moment I'm living for the sake of living, I wish I had a life estimate so that at least I could plan for the future....right now though I'm feeling nauseated...same old same old...
Most of the time you live like nothing has changed but every now and again you have to pinch yourself to remind yourself that you have cancer and live on borrowed time. it just gets frustrating, for the moment I'm living for the sake of living, I wish I had a life estimate so that at least I could plan for the future....right now though I'm feeling nauseated...same old same old...
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The return
A week has passed since my last post. I went back to work on Monday, it was interesting to see the varied reactions from my colleagues. While they all came up and welcomed me back politely, I feel that cancer is still a taboo subject for most. I also think that unless you have been through it yourself or know someone who has, it's perhaps difficult to know what is involved and how it can change one's life entirely.
I was absolutely exhausted by the first day and it got worse as the week progressed. It was physically tough, my body had forgotten to do simple exercise such as walking and my muscle ached after a few days. I managed to stay there until Thursday when my eyes started burning again to the point where I decided to go home.
I've lost the bottom part of my eye lashes and the top is thinning out, eye lashes help keep the dust and any kind of air pollutant out of your eyes and believe me it's quite noticeable, my eyes get irritated very easily.
I thought of wearing a patch but I can't wear a patch on both eyes !
On another subject I went to have my PICC line cleaned out today, so I thought I'd get a pic so that you can see how weird it looks...if you have a weak stomach don't look. And for those who wonder, it's not painful, in fact I forget it's even there for most of the time. Keep in mind that it is normally covered and stuck on the inside of my arm, it was just being cleaned up when this pic was taken.
Doesn't that just make you want to be able to plug your ipod or any other electric device in there, who knows maybe in the future they'll be able to insert a small battery pack under your skin and we might all be able to do just that....recharge your mobile phone, plug in your ipod, portable reading lamp etc....think of the endless possibilities ....
I was absolutely exhausted by the first day and it got worse as the week progressed. It was physically tough, my body had forgotten to do simple exercise such as walking and my muscle ached after a few days. I managed to stay there until Thursday when my eyes started burning again to the point where I decided to go home.
I've lost the bottom part of my eye lashes and the top is thinning out, eye lashes help keep the dust and any kind of air pollutant out of your eyes and believe me it's quite noticeable, my eyes get irritated very easily.
I thought of wearing a patch but I can't wear a patch on both eyes !
On another subject I went to have my PICC line cleaned out today, so I thought I'd get a pic so that you can see how weird it looks...if you have a weak stomach don't look. And for those who wonder, it's not painful, in fact I forget it's even there for most of the time. Keep in mind that it is normally covered and stuck on the inside of my arm, it was just being cleaned up when this pic was taken.
Doesn't that just make you want to be able to plug your ipod or any other electric device in there, who knows maybe in the future they'll be able to insert a small battery pack under your skin and we might all be able to do just that....recharge your mobile phone, plug in your ipod, portable reading lamp etc....think of the endless possibilities ....
Friday, May 23, 2008
Plugged in
Well there goes cycle 3..... I think it's been somewhat easier than the last two cycles, probably because I know what to expect and can anticipate.
My veins having been damaged by the chemo drugs meant that after two failed attempts to find a decent one for the cannula, I agreed to have a PICC line inserted inside my arm. It was inserted under a local anesthesia and I was happily surprised that not only was this not painful but it only took about 20 minutes or so.
Yeah it's kind of weird having this bit of wire coming out of my arm, but don't worry it's all wrapped up under a gauze.
I've decided to return to work next Monday as I'm starting to feel a bit bored at home and it would be nice to slowly get back into the groove of things. I think I should be ok, I'm mostly worried about catching some bug either on public transports or at work.
I don't have much to say today as I'm still feeling somewhat tired but I thought I'd come out and say hi...
My veins having been damaged by the chemo drugs meant that after two failed attempts to find a decent one for the cannula, I agreed to have a PICC line inserted inside my arm. It was inserted under a local anesthesia and I was happily surprised that not only was this not painful but it only took about 20 minutes or so.
Yeah it's kind of weird having this bit of wire coming out of my arm, but don't worry it's all wrapped up under a gauze.
I've decided to return to work next Monday as I'm starting to feel a bit bored at home and it would be nice to slowly get back into the groove of things. I think I should be ok, I'm mostly worried about catching some bug either on public transports or at work.
I don't have much to say today as I'm still feeling somewhat tired but I thought I'd come out and say hi...
Monday, May 19, 2008
Weird science
Well I hear you say ..what happened ?! ....the short answer is I don't know any more today than I did yesterday.
I kind of imagined that it would happen just like in the movies when the oncologist tells you roughly how long you've got to go....instead I was given a lot of positivity about nothing.
First of all the guy that did the last scan didn't bother to compare them with the original scans so that was not really helpful.
My oncologist however did a rough comparison and told us that so far it looked stable. Now the size of the liver met was 12.5 cm originally and it's now 14cm but it is acceptable because apparently there is no way to measure any tumor precisely therefore you have to give every measurement a 1 to 2 cm leeway either way. On top of that they were hinting that some of the other tumors went from 2.5cm to 1cm, some just didn't show up and some appeared to be showing in new places but as they were really small it may very well be not a tumor in the first place. The oncologist also explained that it is still early. However he did say that if it's still the same at my next scan, they will definitively think about stopping the chemo.
So to make a long story short, it's roughly the same as before, I'm looking at another couple cycle of chemo before my next scan. If there is no change then, I will probably stop having it....because there is no way of knowing for sure whether the treatment is not doing me more harm than good.
I think I'm a bit disappointed at this stage, I was really hoping to know more about my cancer by now. The oncologist said that I would need to have a CT scan every three months so that we can better monitor it. Obviously when it's like that, you can't help wondering whether the chemo treatment is really doing anything, what' s to say that the results wouldn't have been the same if I had done nothing ....but I won't dwell on that.
Anyhow I'm not depressed nor am I jumping up and down with joy, for the moment it appears to be stable and that's good enough for me. The way I look at it is that I'm going to be having a whole lot of scans done and I can't let them control me, so I'm just going to enjoy the time that I have and deal with any new issue when it arises.
I kind of imagined that it would happen just like in the movies when the oncologist tells you roughly how long you've got to go....instead I was given a lot of positivity about nothing.
First of all the guy that did the last scan didn't bother to compare them with the original scans so that was not really helpful.
My oncologist however did a rough comparison and told us that so far it looked stable. Now the size of the liver met was 12.5 cm originally and it's now 14cm but it is acceptable because apparently there is no way to measure any tumor precisely therefore you have to give every measurement a 1 to 2 cm leeway either way. On top of that they were hinting that some of the other tumors went from 2.5cm to 1cm, some just didn't show up and some appeared to be showing in new places but as they were really small it may very well be not a tumor in the first place. The oncologist also explained that it is still early. However he did say that if it's still the same at my next scan, they will definitively think about stopping the chemo.
So to make a long story short, it's roughly the same as before, I'm looking at another couple cycle of chemo before my next scan. If there is no change then, I will probably stop having it....because there is no way of knowing for sure whether the treatment is not doing me more harm than good.
I think I'm a bit disappointed at this stage, I was really hoping to know more about my cancer by now. The oncologist said that I would need to have a CT scan every three months so that we can better monitor it. Obviously when it's like that, you can't help wondering whether the chemo treatment is really doing anything, what' s to say that the results wouldn't have been the same if I had done nothing ....but I won't dwell on that.
Anyhow I'm not depressed nor am I jumping up and down with joy, for the moment it appears to be stable and that's good enough for me. The way I look at it is that I'm going to be having a whole lot of scans done and I can't let them control me, so I'm just going to enjoy the time that I have and deal with any new issue when it arises.
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